Turning Your Greatest Fears into Friends

There he was, seated in his chair, facing a demonic-like figure sitting in the chair opposite. It was his nemesis, a power that bullied him into submission time and time again. It reminded him of his utter powerlessness, his weakness. He was facing his inner demon, and it was frightening. For some time, they just sat in silence staring at each-other. Who would break the silence and speak first? And even more to the point, was it even possible for the demon to speak at all? It seemed like only a few minutes ago that this grotesque creature now before him was simply a dark, toxic smoky cloud of formless energy; cold, black and threatening. He wondered if he could reach out and touch it, but when he did so, instinct kicked in and he recoiled! The dark, demonic cloud was so repulsive; why would I even consider touching it, he thought to himself?

A strange thing was happening as he sat gazing at the dark, cold cloud. The smoky texture was metamorphosing into a creature before his eyes. At first it morphed into a tiny dark circular shape that slowly expanded in size as he concentrated upon it. After a few minutes that seemed like hours it became a grisly figure, somewhat like a mis-shaped monster that one might encounter in a bad dream. As he looked even more intently at the demon—now a monster—he began to see that it had a face and, incredibly, eyes! “It can see me . . .”, he realised. “I can actually look into the eyes of my inner monster!” 

He realised in that moment that at one level of his awareness, he had known this demonic energy for most, if not all his life. Deep in his psyche, in his solar plexus, his belly, this demon set up, and established residence many years ago. It had affected his life, held him back, meant that he had been “last in the queue” in so many ways. He had learnt to live with it, to the point that he could go for days, weeks, even months at a time without this inner demon affecting him in any way. Then suddenly, triggered by some circumstance or person, it would spring to life like a sleeping giant waking up to catch some unwitting prey. When fully awake and aroused, the demon would then create mayhem throughout his nervous system, shattering his calm state with a feeling of terror and dread, invading his mind with negative thoughts of loss, failure, and destitution; and affecting his judgement or ability to think clearly. Such is the role of this inner demon, apparently sent by some malevolent force “out there” to terrorise him and sabotage his happiness.

The man and the monster sat staring at each-other in silence. It was at that moment that the man decided to act.

“What do you want from me?” He asked.

“I want you to be afraid,” the demon replied, staring the man eye to eye. “I want you to be addicted, a failure, I want you to be depressed and miserable. I want you to feel ashamed. I want you to think there is something wrong with you. I want you to stay stuck, powerless. I want you to feel out of control, dependent and weak. I want you to feel that you are without hope!”

The man felt these demon desires deep in the pit of his stomach, a feeling all too familiar. Just then, as though a light turned on inside, rather than shutting down and hiding from this apparent bully sitting opposite, he asked another question.

“But what is it that you need from me?

Silence.

“What do you need from me?” He repeated.

 The demon began tentatively. “I need you to accept me . . . I need you to acknowledge me. I need you to recognise me.” The demon was more fluent now. It continued. “I need a connection with you. I need you to play with me, to have fun with me. I need you to enjoy being with me from time to time. But I need you to be in charge, to calm me down if I get too excited, anxious, or out of control. I need your love, but sometimes I need your tough love, to say ‘NO’ to me when I’m being too demanding. I need you to appreciate me, to value me. I need you to be my parent, my partner, my friend.”

The man and his inner demon were now in full flow, connected, engaged.

“And how would you feel if you had all that you need, all those things you’ve said you need . . . from me?”

“I would feel grateful,” the demon replied eagerly. “I would feel so grateful . . . that I could exist within you without feeling that you are frightened, ashamed, disgusted by me. I could finally be myself, knowing that you are in charge. Grateful, that’s what I would feel.”

The man felt a wave of emotion—relief—washing over him as he looked at the figure seated across from him. Meeting the gaze of his inner counterpart, he suddenly understood: only he could give the demon what it needed. But how? The question lingered for a moment before a flash of insight struck him. What if I could nourish my inner demon with the very feeling it seeks—the one it believes will come from getting what it desires from me?

The inner guidance continued to flow into his mind. Close your eyes and imagine, the guidance continued, that you could dissolve your physical body and it could temporarily become a nectar with which you could nourish, feed, fill completely the demon. What if the nectar was the actual energy of gratitude. After all, the demon said that it would feel grateful if it received from you what it needed. Go ahead . . . dissolve your physical form and feed the demon with the nectar of gratitude. Let the nectar enter the demon in any way possible; through the outer form of the demon, through the eyes of the demon, the mouth, nose, any and every way possible. Go on feeding the demon with gratitude and stop only when you think that the demon is completely full of gratitude.

So he closed his eyes and dissolved his physical body. It became a nectar, just as the guidance had said. This nectar was pure gratitude. He poured the nectar into the demon. More and more it flowed, entering the demon through every pore of it’s being. After a while, the man noticed that the form of the demon was changing. He concentrated more intently on what was happening to his demon-friend. The grotesque monster-like figure was transforming before his mind’s eye. The demon’s colour was changing from the dark, black, that it was, into a yellowish, orange-yellow shade, similar to that of the citrine gemstone. Its’ form was further flecked with flashes of turquoise light. The face of the demon had changed from threat and malevolence to one that was mischievous, charming . . . a little dangerous. It had an impish smile, challenging him to play, to be full of life, without fear, guilt or shame. The inner demon was transforming into an ally.

It was this new ally who broke the silence.

“If you want, if you’re willing, I could help you.”

“How will you help me?” the man asked.

“I will help you by providing the energy, the fuel, that you have been repressing by being ashamed of me. I will help you to become a more exciting person, especially in the bedroom and intimate relationships. I will help you to become less boring, dull and predictable. It will be easier for you to make friends and be noticed. I will help you to become a little dangerous, while still a gentleman. I will help you to become more attractive. I will help you to be more magnetic. There’s lots of ways in which I can be of help to you . . . now that you’ve let me out of that dark dungeon where you had me incarcerated for so long.”

Galvanised by the gratitude nectar, the ally continued:

“I can protect you, if you’re willing.”

“How will you protect me?”

“I will protect you with radical honesty. I will remind you that you promised to be in charge. I will remind you to be assertive and say ‘no’ to me when necessary. I will protect you by being a warning signal. I will nudge you, warn you, appeal to you. I will send signals to you, to inform you when you are becoming weak.”

“I make a pledge to you,” the ally continued, “I promise to provide the missing aspects of your personality, and to provide the confidence that you have lacked. I promise that I will be totally honest and courageously, fearlessly authentic. I am part of you and my pledge to you is that I will never do anything to harm you or that is destructive. I want only to be in partnership with you.”

“And how can I gain access to you?” The man asked.

“In silence, and within yourself. Whenever you are wanting my help, go within and I will play with you. If you are wanting my protection, go within and I will warn and caution you.”

The man took time to thank the ally and to feel the help and protection coming to him. He then imagined the ally dissolving into his psyche, into emptiness, into Self. With the ally no longer visible, the man took time to rest in that state that can be experienced when all is well, the calm state. He let his mind relax without the need to think, or to create any experience. He rested in that awareness, without filling the space, not trying to make anything happen.

At long last, he felt as though a long-standing conflict was over. It was time to live at peace with himself.